


Still More Texts From Last Night

by blythechild



Series: Texts From Last Night [3]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Awkward Conversations, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Families of Choice, Fluff and Crack, Friends to Lovers, Inappropriate Humor, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Parenthood, Romantic Friendship, Sex, Team as Family, Texting, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 08:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3168089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prentiss and Reid's unlikely relationship continues to unfold via text messages. This installment includes broken fingers, messing with gender roles, gremlins, Ryan Gosling, and a surprised green-eyed monster.</p><p> </p><p>This is a work of fanfiction and as such I do not claim ownership over the characters herein. It was created as a personal amusement. This story contains adult and suggestive concepts and shouldn't be read by those under the age of 14.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still More Texts From Last Night

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third part of The Texts From Last Night series. Go read [the first one](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2193390), and [the second](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2232507) if you haven't already.
> 
> And it should go without saying that this is pretty silly...

Prentiss: Get yer scrawny ass to G.W.U. Hospital. ASAP. Water broke.  
Reid: WHERE ARE YOU!  
Prentiss: In Rossi’s Maserati breaking all known land speed records. I think his other car must be a time-traveling Delorian.  
Reid: TELL DAVID ROSSI TO STOP ENDANGERING MY WHOLE FAMILY!  
Prentiss: I’m okay. I’d be more worried about how I’m gonna get out of this car when we arrive - might need the jaws of life…  
Reid: I’M COMING, EM - DON’T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT ME.  
Prentiss: That’s not really up to me, is it? Now, get yer skinny butt down here - I need you.  
Reid: OK.  
Reid: Re: skinny butt references - you should know that you’ve started something here that can only end with a compromising picture of my ass. It may not happen right away, but rest assured it’s on my agenda.  
Prentiss: Who knew that you could laugh and have a contraction at the same time?  
Reid: *thumbs up*

\----

Reid: It’s a boy! And I broke two fingers. Emily’s fine though.  
Garcia: I’m screaming so high that only dogs can hear me :)  
J.J.: How did you break your fingers?  
Reid: After the 4th hour of labor we ran out of licorice. Emily’s a biter.  
J.J.: I’m sure that this explanation makes sense to you…  
Reid: It was worth being a chew toy for Simon ;)  
Garcia: Simon? Like the sorcerer? That’s sorta perfect.  
J.J.: Awwwwwwww! Pictures! PICTURES!  
Reid: Standby…  
Garcia: OMG, newborns are supposed to be wrinkly, angry beets. How did you and Emily produce such a SUPERMODEL BABY?!?  
J.J.: HIS bone structure, HER skin… it was inevitable.  
Reid: Gimme a break, guys…  
J.J.: Reid, he’s beautiful. Trust me, that doesn’t always happen.  
Reid: Simon’s pretty great, but Em is beautiful. And I’ll tell her that just as soon as she forgives me for being in labor for 10 hours.  
Garcia: More screaming. The cat is going nuts.  
J.J: LOL. That baby is your golden ticket to forgiveness.  
Reid: Em says hi and she hopes you’ll both come by once we get Simon settled at home.  
Reid: Now she’s saying that she’ll break a few more fingers if I think about putting her through this again.  
Reid: Would be totally worth it though. And I don’t think she means it anyway.  
J.J.: You two are ridiculous.

\----

Morgan: Congratulations, kid! Garcia sent me the pics of Simon. You must be smoking one helluva victory cigar right now…  
Reid: Around the baby? Are you nuts? Also, that violates about a dozen federal, state & municipal laws  
Morgan: *eyeroll* Do you ever get tired of being so literal? Don’t worry - Hotch, Rossi & I are smokin’ them on your behalf.  
Reid: I’m happy to offer you guys an excuse to thumb your nose at cancer, I guess.  
Reid: Ummm, what are the cigars meant to symbolize, anyway?  
Morgan: Usually, it’s just to celebrate the arrival of a happy, healthy baby, but we all agree that in YOUR case, it’s a celebration of your son AND the fact that you conned Prentiss into having him w/you  
Reid: With friends like you, Oxford might consider revising that term’s definition >:(  
Morgan: ;D 

\----

Hotch: Congratulations, Reid. Simon is beautiful. Please pass my regards on to Emily.  
Reid: Thank you, and I will.  
…  
Reid: Is that it? No instructions for updating my HR file or something?  
Hotch: The day you become a father, your whole world reinvents itself. Everything else can wait.  
…  
Reid: Thank you, Aaron :)  
Hotch: Welcome to the club, Spencer.

\----

Rossi: Now that you’ve popped out Reid’s scion, I don’t suppose there’s any chance that I can convince you to run away with me to Tahiti, is there?  
Prentiss: Not the way you drive, Dave. My eyes have been opened ;)  
Rossi: I was just worried about getting baby goop all over my floor mats  
Prentiss: Thanks for the lift. And for giving Reid that pep talk outside the delivery room.  
Rossi: You saw that, huh? I just told him which end to talk to when it came out.  
Rossi: And I asked him if I could take you to Tahiti. He was okay with it.  
Prentiss: Never change, Dave.  
Rossi: I’m pretty sure that’s a foregone conclusion at this point, Bella ;)

\----

J.J.: Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while, then Reid came into work & I swear that it looked like he was dressed BACKWARDS. Everything ok?  
Prentiss: I think our sleep deprivation qualifies as clinical psychosis. Consider yourself warned.  
J.J.: Simon won’t sleep, huh?  
Prentiss: He sleeps. In half hour increments. I think that I’m starting to see vapor trails when I move…  
J.J.: Oh honey. Want me to come over and baby sit? You and Spence could have a date night… spend an evening at a nice hotel?  
Prentiss: Date night? LOL! I’d spend the whole thing unconscious and drooling. Spence wouldn’t even need to be there. Dream date - literally.  
…  
Prentiss: You know, I look at our bed and it used to be like playing fucking Tetris in there. Now - I swear to god - there’s a fine layer of dust over it.  
J.J.: That’s it. I’m bringing over Thai food, the white noise machine, and all of my Mommy Mojo. You & Spence are going to sleep together and I’ll be in the next room with the baby. And it won’t be anywhere near as creepy as I’ve just made it sound.  
Prentiss: You are an incredible friend. I feel like I should give you something. Want a free infant?  
J.J.: ;) See you at 7

\----

Garcia: Hey, Baby Daddy - how’s it going?  
Reid: Depends. What day is it?  
Garcia: … Thursday…  
Reid: Oh. Then I’m fine.  
Garcia: ??? You really didn’t know what day it was?  
Reid: I’ve had about 8 hrs sleep this week so far.  
Garcia: Honey, why don’t you come over to my tech cave and grab a nap? I promise that I’ll be quiet. Just the soothing whir of technological domination…  
Reid: Thanks, but it doesn’t seem fair. Emily doesn’t get a break - the least I can do is suffer along with her. And it can’t last forever…  
Reid: Please tell me that it can’t last forever.  
Garcia: LOL! I’m sure it won’t but baby advice isn’t really my expertise.  
Reid: It might be if you & Morgan ever embraced the painfully obvious.  
Garcia: … What the… WHAT?  
…  
Reid: Crap. I apologize, Penelope. I’m just… really tired, and cranky, and apparently less capable of self-censorship than usual. Please just forget I said it.  
Garcia: I will not forget it. Do you think there’s something going on between Derek & me?  
Reid: Absolutely. For years.  
Garcia: I’m not sleeping with him! We’re dating other people, Reid!  
Reid: I know, but I’m saying you two love each other and that’s clear to everyone. Sex would just be… you guys recognizing it. That’s all.  
Garcia: I can’t believe that you’re giving me romantic advice.  
Reid: That makes two of us.  
Reid: But you are texting with a guy who read a 7-page gov’t pamphlet on what to expect from infant poop this morning. So measure the worth of my input accordingly.  
Garcia: Infant poop?  
Reid: I’m being totally serious. It came in the mail. Em & I read it aloud and laughed until our sides hurt. She was rolling on the kitchen floor yelling ‘Stop!’. It’s taped to the fridge for future use. Tax money well spent.  
Garcia: I feel like I’m texting with Bizarro Reid. Would you mind if I stopped?  
Reid: Not at all. And I apologize again - you know that I love you, Penelope, right?  
Garcia: I do, sweety. I love you right back, but please get some sleep before we talk again.  
Reid: I’ll see what I can do.

 

Reid: Alright, I’ve done your dirty work for you. Now erase that text Em sent about the 1st time we had sex >:(  
J.J.: Done. Did Garcia believe you?  
Reid: I’m sleep deprived. My level of social flailing was completely genuine. Why are you suddenly so interested in getting Garcia & Morgan together anyway? They’ve been at this for years…  
J.J.: You & Emily have inspired me.  
Reid: ???  
J.J.: You are perfect for each other and no one saw it. Everyone sees how perfect P&D are, so it’s time to make that happen.  
Reid: You are meddling on a cosmic level. I’m going to back away to a safe distance to avoid the shrapnel.  
J.J.: ;) You really are a genius.

\----

Reid: Checking in from the most boring criminology conference ever to say goodnight.  
Prentiss: :) Just lying in bed with a gorgeous man sleeping next to me.  
Reid: How is he?  
Prentiss: Excellent and a perfect gentleman. We dined on strained peas, he complimented me on my cooking with a chorus of ‘Baas’, and then he agreed to keep me company in bed until my main squeeze returned. He cuddles like a champion.  
Reid: Sounds like I have to up my game a little.  
Prentiss: Perhaps.  
Prentiss: I miss you. I miss sleeping with you. Not sex - sleep. Well, I miss the sex as well… when you come home we can negotiate the priority of those 2 items, but the point here is that I miss you, Dr.  
Reid: I think I may be addicted to that. Every time I go away, it’s like I go through the DTs… all itchy skin and twitchy ticks. Prentiss Withdrawal. I never realized how much we traveled until now.  
Prentiss: Itchy & Twitchy? Hate to break it to you, babe, but that’s a day ending in ‘y’ for you.  
Reid: :P 

\----

Reid: Are you busy/Are you in a patient mood?  
Hotch: I’m always busy and my patience is being tried by a department heads meeting. So go ahead - what’s the matter?  
Reid: I want to preface this by saying that I feel uncomfortable even broaching this subject with you but I don’t know who else to ask.  
Hotch: Now, I’m concerned…  
Reid: When Jack was a baby, did he ever… pee on you?  
Hotch: Thank you for this text - my day has been made. I won’t kill anyone at this meeting now.  
Reid: Ummm, you’re welcome?  
Hotch: The answer is yes; he peed on me all the time. Diaper changes were like hourly rides on Splash Mountain.  
Reid: That’s a relief. I was starting to take it personally.  
Hotch: Use a Dixie Cup.  
Reid: Pardon?  
Hotch: Or a small Tupperware container. Whatever’s handy.  
Reid: I’m not following  
Hotch: Place the cup over him while you’re changing him. It may take a while, but he’ll catch on eventually. And you won’t have to change your shirt every hour.  
Reid: Really???  
Hotch: It works. Trust me.  
Reid: Thanks, Hotch. I appreciate this.  
Hotch: No problem. I look forward to our conversations about projectile solid food, teething, and potty training.  
Reid: Sometimes I forget that you know all about this Dad stuff :)  
Hotch: I don’t see how it could slip your mind - I’m so obviously cuddly. 

 

Prentiss: Hey babe, why is there a plastic cup on the change table labeled Simon’s Pee Shield???  
Reid: It’s Hotch’s fault.

\----

Prentiss: DIAPER 911  
Reid: ???  
Prentiss: WE’RE OUT. I THOUGHT I TOLD SOMEONE TO PICK UP SOME MORE LAST NIGHT. RIGHT NOW I’M TELLING SIMON TO CLENCH.  
Reid: Ooops, sorry!  
Prentiss: SORRY WON’T SAVE YER SCARF COLLECTION…  
Reid: You wouldn’t!  
Prentiss: JUST TRY ME, SMART GUY.  
Reid: Alright! I’m on my way!!  
Prentiss: SPEED THROUGH THE YELLOW LIGHTS OR YOUR SWEATERS ARE NEXT ON MY LIST.  
Reid: I said I’m on my way! Gimme a break!  
Prentiss: DON’T MESS WITH ME WHEN I’M IN ‘CAPS LOCK’ MODE…

\----

Prentiss: Argh! Gimme a compliment, quick…  
Reid: Context here would be helpful  
Prentiss: I just got the grand jury equivalent of cock blocked by some prosecutor who’s young enough to still get carded at bars. If we don’t get an indictment because he needed to showboat for his boss… >:(  
Reid: Alright, I’m getting the picture.  
Reid: Your intellect would impress any Renaissance thinker, your beauty would send jealous men to war for decades, if you were a religion your acolytes would be legion, and you could probably save the world using only a paperclip and a rubber band. You make me hard all over just thinking about these things, and knowing that you’re all mine. Junior Prosecutor is probably just trying to flirt with you ‘cause, you know, why wouldn’t he? Kill him with your shoes, or I will. Your choice.  
…  
Prentiss: You break my heart, Spencer, and it feels so good that I want to tape it back together so that you can do it over and over again.  
Reid: Glad to be of assistance. I live to serve.  
Prentiss: Prepare for a proper show of gratitude when you get home. I’m thinking… a bj of godlike proportions followed by hoagies.  
Reid: And people say marriage is dull… ;D

\----

Reid: Hey. How’s it going? How’s Simon?  
Prentiss: Peachy  
Reid: …I’m sensing an ironic response…  
Prentiss: Why would you think that? I mean, I’m alone here with our insomniac son who’s going through his 1st head cold & how did he even GET a cold in the 1st place? Oh, right - DADDY brought it home from a case. So, after I get a handle on the sneezing/coughing/screaming/zero napping/anxiety festival that has become the SOLE FOCUS of my life, I sit down to discover that I have a 101F temperature and nothing above a children’s grade aspirin to deal with it. So, I’m having a Screwdriver & a good cry instead.  
Prentiss: THAT’S how it’s going. Happy you asked?  
Reid: You’re drinking?  
Prentiss: Yes, but I’m being responsible & using oj as a mixer - it’s flu season.  
Reid: Em… I don’t  
Prentiss: Don’t start with me, Spence. Simon is sleeping and is much better. I love the little bug but this is hard. I didn’t think that I’d end up doing so much of it on my own.  
Reid: Emily  
Prentiss: My life was about work. It was important to me. And now there are days that go by when I don’t leave the house…  
Reid: Em, listen for a sec  
Prentiss: I know it’s not fair to blame you, but you get to leave - you get a life beyond feedings & naps & diaper changes. You get to have a family & a career, & I resent that b/c there was never a discussion about it.  
Reid: If you’d stop texting for a moment  
Prentiss: Do you know what it feels like to love your child more than yer own damned life & yet it STILL doesn’t feel like enough? I am a shitty fucking mom.  
Reid: Emily, I love you but SHUT. UP.  
…  
…  
Reid: I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently - before tonight - and I think that we should switch.  
Prentiss: Switch?  
Reid: I’ll take paternity leave to stay home with Simon. You go back into the field.  
Prentiss: ?!?  
Reid: In the 5 months since he was born I’ve done 13 out of state cases. The anxiety I feel when I leave is terrible - I can’t focus. And, yes, we didn’t discuss our parenting roles in advance. It was wrong to assume that a traditional paradigm would work for us. When has it ever worked before?  
Prentiss: Are you serious?  
Reid: And I’ve been feeling crappy about not being around. Like my dad - I don’t want to be like him. I want Simon to know me.  
Prentiss: He does know you!  
Reid: I really want to do this.  
Reid: I can teach a couple of classes at Quantico if I get bored. I’ll bring Simon along - he can be my TA  
Reid: Besides you’re so much better at being the kickass man in the family anyway ;)  
…  
Reid: Emily?  
Prentiss: Sorry. Vodka + Fever + Crazy Emo Husband Texts = Weepy Wife  
Reid: You think I’m crazy?  
Prentiss: Yes, and I think your crazy is a thing to be cherished.  
Reid: So, we’re agreed? You’ll be Dirty Harry & I’ll be Mr. Mom?  
Prentiss: Sometimes you make me so happy I’m afraid I’ve slipped into psychosis & made you up.  
Reid: I’m pretty sure that the rage you feel at what I do to the bathroom & my inability to put dirty socks in the hamper should nullify that theory.  
Prentiss: Love you  
Reid: I love you too. You’re a great mom, Em. Making sure you feel fulfilled is gonna make you a better one. And letting me feel like a useful Daddy will make me happy as well.  
Prentiss: :)  
Reid: But you need to get over that bathroom thing. Seriously, it’s unlikely that’ll ever change.  
Prentiss: ;P 

\----

Garcia: Did you hear the news?!  
Morgan: That yer so hot building maintenance had to reset the sprinkler sensors? Ya, I heard that one already.  
Garcia: Oh, Mocha Thunder ;) Be still, my frantic fuchsia heart! But, no - I meant the news about Reid & Prentiss…  
Morgan: No. What’s doin’?  
Garcia: Emily’s coming back to the unit & Reid’s gonna stay home with the baby  
Morgan: Wow. Really?  
Garcia: On a stack of bibles, sweety. I think it’s amazing. And sorta sexy too.  
Morgan: Wait… I see how it’s liberated, but explain how it’s sexy, Baby Girl? You don’t have a thing for Reid, do you?  
Garcia: Stow the jealousy, D. Other girls might as well be mannequins what with the way he looks at Emily…  
Morgan: I’m pretty sure that he’s always thought that women where mannequins  
Garcia: A little harsh there, Super Singleton >:/ Anyway, it’s sexy b/c he suggested switching roles & he’s confident he can do it & he doesn’t care how it makes him look as a man.  
Garcia: I think I’m starting to see why he drives Prentiss into such a lather.  
Morgan: So, you think a guy covered in baby spit and diaper rash cream is hot?  
Garcia: It’s the PRINCIPLE, sweety, and yeah - it’s like surface-of-the-sun hot.  
…  
Morgan: Huh. Okay.

 

Morgan: Thanks for nothin’, Pretty Boy. You just made things so much harder for me.  
Reid: ???  
Morgan: Staying home w/Simon while Prentiss goes back to work? Penelope thinks that yer hotter than Ryan Gosling now >:/  
Reid: I feel like you’re speaking in code, Morgan. And who is Ryan Gosling?  
Morgan: How am I supposed to impress when the new standard of manliness involves tossing the rulebook out with the dirty diapers?  
…  
Reid: Whom are you trying to impress? Is it Garcia?  
Reid: I think you’ve already managed that, Derek.  
…  
Reid: Listen, I don’t know what sort of romantic spin Garcia put on this, but I did it because Em was losing her mind a little bit, and I love her mind. It’s her sexiest feature. Whatever masculine equity I garnered in the process was purely coincidental. I assure you that I still can’t bench press a damned thing.  
Reid: Besides, I like hanging out with my son. He’s surprisingly cool.  
Morgan: Christ, now I’m starting to think you’re hot…  
Reid: I’m taken ;) And so are you, if you know what’s good for you…  
Morgan: What’s that supposed to mean?  
Reid: Why isn’t there an eyeroll emoticon? Someone needs to fix that… What I mean is: Garcia. Figure it out.  
Morgan: Man, you’re overstepping.  
Reid: What are you gonna do about it? Apparently I’m manlier than a baby goose named Ryan.  
Morgan: *facepalm*

\----

Reid: Help me.  
Prentiss: Are you really texting me from the living room?!  
Reid: Have to. A little humanoid has fallen asleep on my chest & I’m afraid to move or call out in case I wake him. It’s only safe to move my thumb, so I’m texting.  
Reid: Please. My legs have pins & needles.  
Prentiss: Alright, but I’m in the bath. It’ll take a few minutes to scrape the bubbles off and get dressed. Hang tight.  
Reid: Bubble bath? Okay, take your time… I want to picture that for a minute or two. Leg circulation can wait.  
Prentiss: I married a sex fiend.  
Reid: No, you created one. I was a polite, quiet, lovely person before all of this started.  
Prentiss: I’ll splash a lot as I get out. Add some verisimilitude to your daydream ;)  
Reid: Excellent.

\----

J.J.: HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?  
Prentiss: This message requires some additional info…  
J.J.: THIS IS THE 4th COFFEE TABLE YOU & SPENCE HAVE BROKEN!  
Prentiss: Shit, sorry! I thought that we’d fixed it…  
J.J.: I leave you guys to baby sit Henry and… I don’t even know how this is possible!  
Prentiss: Honestly, I’m surprised that Spence & I survived the 1st three…  
J.J.: WHAT IS IT ABOUT MY TONE THAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M IN THE MOOD TO LAUGH? TELL ME SO THAT I CAN AMEND IT TO RAGEFUL INDIGNATION IMMEDIATELY.  
Prentiss: Sorry! I’m so sorry, J.J. - we didn’t mean to do it. Both the boys were down for the night and we’d just planned to watch a movie until you & Will got back, but one thing led to another. God, I’m sorry :(  
J.J.: You are buying me a new one!  
Prentiss: Yes, of course.  
J.J.: AND STOP HAVING SEX ON MY FURNITURE! I should be the only one allowed to do that in my house!  
Prentiss: When yer right, yer right.  
…  
J.J.: How do you two manage it, anyway?  
Prentiss: Manage what?  
J.J.: Still acting like horny teenagers. I mean, you work 70 hrs/week, Spence teaches, you have a baby to look after… where do you find the energy? Will & I can barely make time to text one another.  
Prentiss: Please don’t make it out like it’s weird. Spence takes that sort of thing hard.  
J.J.: I’m just saying… you know… it feels like you guys should be teaching a course or something.  
Prentiss: He just… gets under my skin, okay? I can’t explain it. I want to do bad things to him most of the time - not just in your living room.  
Prentiss: Thank god he’s so much younger so that I’ll have someone to look after me when I break a hip doing this.  
J.J.: Okay, now I’m laughing.  
Prentiss: I’m really sorry, J.J. It won’t happen again.  
J.J.: OMG, who are you kidding?!?

\----

Reid: Hey. How attached are you to the kitchen cabinets?  
Prentiss: ???  
Reid: Don’t freak out. Remember all the times you joked about me setting the kitchen on fire? Well…  
Prentiss: ARE YOU ALRIGHT? IS SIMON ALRIGHT?  
Reid: You’re freaking out.  
Prentiss: YOU SET THE KITCHEN ON FIRE! AND I’M OUT OF STATE! YER DAMN RIGHT I’M FREAKING OUT!  
Reid: Em, we’re fine, I swear. It was a small fire on the stovetop while I was changing Simon. I put it out but there’s damage to the overhead cabinets and I think the stove is toast.  
Prentiss: FUCK. I’m coming home.  
Reid: To do what? Do you have a new stove in your go bag? Don’t overreact - there’s nothing you can do here.  
Prentiss: Maybe I can prevent you from burning the place to the ground and endangering my son!  
Reid: Emily, I understand that you’re concerned but that was uncalled for. I’d never put Simon at risk, ever. You know that.  
…  
Reid: Em?  
Prentiss: It’s just… I’m here and he’s there and I can’t protect him. Being home alone was hard… I didn’t think that being away would be harder…  
Reid: I know. But it was just an accident, Em. He’s my son too - I need to know that you trust me to take care of him.  
Prentiss: I do. I’m sorry.  
Prentiss: Jesus, I’m shaking all over…  
Reid: Emily, please… I’m so, so sorry. I really didn’t intend to scare you - I just wanted to know how you felt about getting new cabinets vs. replacing the damaged ones. Morgan needs to know so he can tell his millwork guy.  
Prentiss: You called Morgan?  
Reid: Yeah. He’s having a new stove sent over from one of his reno jobs in the morning.  
Prentiss: I bet he ribbed you something fierce.  
Reid: Not really. He was worried that we were okay. And he wanted to know if I had pizza money… like I was a kid or something.  
Prentiss: He does still think of you that way.  
Reid: I’m over 30, married, have fathered a child, and successfully burnt down a kitchen. I think that I should be upgraded to adult status.  
Prentiss: LOL! Do you have pizza money?  
Reid: I have pizza money at all times. It’s called emergency planning.  
Prentiss: Okay, you just won points for making laugh in the middle of a homicide squad room…  
Prentiss: I really don’t give a damn about the cabinets. I only care about you & Simon. I’d live in an appliance box with you guys if I had to.  
Reid: Let’s hope it won’t come to that ;) I’ll tell Morgan that we just want to fix what’s damaged.  
Prentiss: Okay.  
Prentiss: I love you.  
Prentiss: And no more fires in the home.  
Reid: Okay, me too, and I agree 100% with that suggestion.

\----

Garcia: Have I told you lately how cute yer men are?  
Prentiss: ?  
Garcia: I’m at yer place with Morgan watching them fix the kitchen.  
Prentiss: Reid is FIXING something?  
Garcia: It’s more like supervising while my delicious Mocha Bear does the fixing  
Prentiss: Good god… I can feel you drooling through the phone. Mop up before you leave my place, will you?  
Garcia: Tell me, does Dr. Daddy find your epic level of snark attractive?  
Prentiss: Yes, all the time. And we have the citations for indecent exposure to prove it.  
Garcia: Alright, you win.  
Prentiss: Tell me about my boys. I miss them.  
Garcia: Reid’s got Simon strapped to his chest in something that resembles a large gym sock. It’s both creepy and adorable. Makes it look like Reid is sprouting an inquisitive second head from his chest.  
Prentiss: LOL. He calls that thing a papoose but it just looks like a baby-sized jock strap to me. He objected to carrying Simon around like a handbag.  
Garcia: Simon is so great, Emily. All blinking & gurgles & grabby hands trying to help… even Derek’s started cooing at him. I’m having sorta a ladyboner at the moment.  
Prentiss: Jesus… when are you gonna do something about this, P?  
Garcia: About what?  
Prentiss: U + MORGAN  
Garcia: What is with everyone right now? Reid was giving me the gears about this recently too…  
Prentiss: You did a serious amount of nudging with Spence and me. Turnabout is fair play, honey.  
Garcia: NOTHING is going to happen with Morgan.  
Prentiss: Why not?  
Garcia: He’s… well, he’s Morgan. We don’t fit together.  
Prentiss: And Spence & I fit together? Nobody pictured that either and look how it turned out.  
Garcia: You guys turned out to be a force of nature. Morgan and I aren’t like that. He’s got a ‘type’ and it doesn’t include crazy coordinated prints and platform heels. Kevin’s more my speed.  
Garcia: And I don’t want to lose my friendship with him - I need that, ya know?  
Prentiss: Oh, beautiful girl… listen, I get that you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship with Morgan and that’s a completely valid reason to keep things as they are. But don’t for 1 second believe that you aren’t worthy of Derek Morgan. No offense to Kevin, but your engine revs a lot higher than his does. You could give Derek a run for his money any day.  
Prentiss: As for the ‘force of nature’ thing… that didn’t happen overnight. You grow into it and I’m certain that it wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t such good friends first. You & D are already there… the hard part’s done :)  
…  
Garcia: I appreciate that, Emily, but I think you’re mistaken.  
Prentiss: Okay. I’ve said my piece. I won’t bring it up again unless you do.  
Garcia: I’m gonna go hug your son for a while. Just until you can get back and do it yourself ;)  
Prentiss: <3 Simon loves a good hug - he gets that from his Dad.  
Garcia: I might hug him too  
Prentiss: Keep your smoldering hotness in check, girlfriend… that’s MY husband.  
Garcia: ;)

 

Reid: Do you have something to tell me?  
Prentiss: No. Why?  
Reid: Garcia just gave me a huge, out-of-proportion-to-the-moment hug and when I asked what was up she said, “that’s from your wife”. I thought she might cry. I got really tense.  
Prentiss: LOL. It’s okay. We just texted. It was kinda a ‘chick flick’ scenario - no need to panic.  
Reid: Is she okay?  
Prentiss: Depends. We were talking about her and Morgan.  
Reid: Oh. I know that you and J.J. are invested in seeing them get together, but I really think that you should stop pushing. It’s not helping.  
Prentiss: I agree.  
Reid: Really?  
Prentiss: Yeah. What worked for us may not work for them. It’s sad because I think they’d be great together, but we can’t force it if they don’t see that for themselves.  
Reid: They see it… well, at least Morgan does… he practically admitted it to me. But they need to get there on their own. We need to have faith in our friends.  
Prentiss: You continually surprise me. Where did all of this relationship insight come from all of a sudden?  
Reid: Obtaining a hot wife against all probability and common sense tends to lend one insight. And arrogance.  
Prentiss: ROFLMAO!  
Reid: And speaking of chick flicks, it has been recently brought to my attention that I am considered more attractive than the actor from The Notebook. It’s a dubious distinction, but I thought that you ought to be informed of my elevated status. You know… in case you had doubts.  
Prentiss: Laughing so hard I can barely breathe  
Reid: Not exactly the response I was going for, but I’ll take it ;)

\----

Reid: Simon & I are at the grocery store. Rock The Casbah is playing over the PA system. Wanna dance with your two favorite guys in the dry goods aisle?  
Prentiss: YOUR WEIRDNESS HAS RUINED ME FOR ANYONE ELSE. I AM DANCING SIDEWAYS LIKE SNOOPY JUST FOR YOU.  
Reid: :)  
Prentiss: Also, pick up some yogurt, please.  
Reid: We shall sway to the dairy case momentarily.

\----

Prentiss: Hey, babe.  
Reid: Hi!  
Prentiss: Mommy check-in: how’s Simon? Still adorable?  
Reid: No. He devolved into a miniature ogre the moment you left the state. He’s been eating flies and ditchwater… freak shows have begun contacting me inquiring about his touring availability.  
Prentiss: A little saucy tonight, huh?  
Reid: Believe in magic, you muggle. He’s great - just put him down for the night. I thought that you’d be in the air by now.  
Prentiss: Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hrs with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.  
Reid: Oh no.  
Prentiss: Yeah. Fair warning: I’m probably gonna be REALLY happy to see you when I land. Gird your loins.  
Reid: THIS is how we’ve earned an unsavory reputation, you know…  
Prentiss: Our rep isn’t unsavory, it’s envious. Descriptors matter, darling ;)  
Reid: I adore your inappropriateness. Literally. I’m actually genuflecting as I type this.  
Prentiss: If I’d known that being with you was going to be this much fun, I’d have started sexually harassing you the day I arrived at the Bureau.  
Reid: I await your flight’s arrival with both anticipation and trepidation. How do you manage to pull off sexy & scary at the same time?  
Prentiss: I’ll never tell.

\----

J.J.: Brunch this Sat.?  
Prentiss: Can Spence come, or is this a Sekrit Girlz meeting?  
J.J.: Bring him! I’d love to see Spence. I miss him… the unit just isn’t the same without the constant threat of an Unnecessary Information Download…  
Prentiss: LOL. I’ll tell him you said that.  
J.J.: How is it working out with you guys? Must be weird being apart so much.  
Prentiss: You and Will manage.  
J.J.: Will and I never worked together. Nor do we need to fondle each other with such alarming regularity.  
Prentiss: Yer just jealous.  
J.J.: Honestly, if your tall tales are true, I’m glad that Spence and I never went any further than friendship. It sounds exhausting.  
Prentiss: Well… yes. But so worth it. When I came home after the last case, we put Simon to bed, re-enacted the swordfight scenes from The Count of Monte Cristo, and then made an amazing couch fort.  
J.J.: Cute.  
Prentiss: And then we had sex in the fort ;)  
J.J.: I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT!  
Prentiss: What else are you gonna do with a couch fort? I thought that you’d be pleased that we didn’t break any furniture this time… or do it at your place ;)  
J.J.: That’s it - no more babysitting unless you show up in a chastity belt.  
Prentiss: There’s that jealousy again. Where’s the dirty enthusiasm for all of my exploits gone to, huh?  
J.J.: That was BEFORE you began defiling my de facto brother…  
Prentiss: If you didn’t want the fox to get the cock, then you shouldn’t have helped her get into the chicken coop in the 1st place, should you?  
J.J.: Fox & Cock… wouldn’t that mean that Simon should have fur & feathers?  
Prentiss: The analogy is what counts. I’m not the brains of this operation.  
J.J.: So, circling back to my initial question: you 2 are good? No problems with him teaching at Quantico?  
Prentiss: No. Why?  
J.J.: I hear that he’s a popular teacher. You don’t hear that coming out of a military school too often. His classes are fully booked - the admin office said that they have to turn trainees away - not enough space…  
Prentiss: That’s good, right?  
J.J.: You remember college, right? Good looking professor… lots of eager students… they weren’t all there for the curriculum.  
Prentiss: What are you saying, Jen?  
J.J.: I’m not saying anything, really. Spence has got you carved into his skin - I’m not worried. But you get jealous - I’ve seen it - so just be aware of what environment he’s in and DON’T jump the gun, alright?  
Prentiss: Well, now I feel weird  
J.J.: I shouldn’t have mentioned it. You guys are solid. That’s all I wanted to hear. So, see you both on Sat.? Noon?  
Prentiss: Yeah, sounds good.

\----

Reid: Another awkward question for you  
Hotch: I hate to break this to you, Reid, but you could make questions about the weather seem awkward  
Reid: Your tact is boundless >:/ This question REALLY is awkward but you’re the only one with experience with it, I’m certain…  
Hotch: Okay. Shoot.  
Reid: Whenever I’m out with Simon - school, library, park, grocery store - I become surrounded by women. Many of them act inappropriately. It makes me uncomfortable.  
Hotch: You’re right. I understand that.  
Reid: So, what do I do?  
Hotch: There’s not much you can do. Maternal instincts are hardwired, and single fathers offer a very alluring prospect by providing evidence of paternal responsibility as well as attraction.  
Reid: BUT I’M NOT A SINGLE FATHER! I’m not seeking a mate… I passionately love my wife.  
Hotch: Yes, a fact on which we are all amply and inappropriately informed.  
Reid: Ummm, yeah. Sorry…  
Reid: What do you advise re: unwanted attention?  
Hotch: Wave your gun around. Responsibly.  
Reid: I’m being serious  
Hotch: My sarcasm is code for ‘there’s nothing you can do about it’.  
Reid: That’s distressing. I wish I understood women better… I can’t believe I’ve held onto Emily for as long as I have with such lack of insight.  
Hotch: I can. It’s obvious.  
Reid: It is?  
Hotch: Yes. As well as inappropriate.  
Hotch: Ignore the flirtation, Reid - I always did. There’s nothing attractive about being coveted solely for your ability to provide offspring. And considering that men have treated women this way for millennia, a little suffering on our parts when the tables are turned seems only fair.  
Reid: I never thought of it that way  
Hotch: Just be prepared for the inevitable.  
Reid: ?  
Hotch: Emily’s reaction.  
Reid: But there’s nothing going on, and nothing I can do about it  
Hotch: I know, but that won’t make it any easier for her to handle. Jealousy gets to all of us.  
Reid: Not Emily. She knows me, she knows how I feel.  
Hotch: I’m sure you’re right. But if you’re wrong, remember what I’ve said. Don’t let a little irrationality get between you two.  
Reid: Okay  
Hotch: Good talk. I’ve managed to kill off 10 minutes of this useless mtg with Strauss.  
Reid: You’re TEXTING while in a meeting with Strauss???  
Hotch: I can stealth text like a teenaged girl. It’s a remarkably useful skill. Going to teach it to Jack, Henry and Simon when the time comes.  
Reid: Well, it’s good to know that I’m not the only Dad in the group with dubious parenting instincts…

\----

Reid: I’m not flying but the pocket pterodactyls are better than tacos  
Reid: When are you kissing the clouds? It’s greening unicorns here without you  
…  
Prentiss: What the hell is this? I’ve read these 3 times  
Reid: That was Simon using my phone’s predictive text feature. He’s right: pocket pterodactyls are sooo much better than tacos.  
Prentiss: Dr. & Mini Nerd. What are you guys up to?  
Reid: Doing laundry & watching Gremlins. Simon’s really concentrating on it - you should see the little frown lines. I think he’s blown away that this movie even happened. The rules are so simple even an 8 month old can grasp them: don’t get them wet, don’t feed them after midnight…  
Prentiss: Wait… isn’t it 2am in D.C.???  
Reid: Emily, our son isn’t a gremlin  
Prentiss: Why isn’t he asleep?  
Reid: He’s just like me - we’re nappers.  
Prentiss: Spence, it took us so long to establish a schedule with him.  
Reid: I’m not fighting battles I can’t win, Em. He wasn’t having anything to do with sleep tonight, so he’s getting an education in geekery instead. Awake time is learning time at the Prentiss-Reid house.  
Prentiss: I can’t tell if you’re an excellent Dad or the worst.  
Reid: Honestly, I’d rather be fighting my insomnia with you. Enthusiastically.  
Prentiss: And now we’ve ventured into Skeevy Daddy territory.  
Reid: I am what you’ve made me. I was remembering that thing we did that time in Missoula…  
Prentiss: What? That thing with the antlers?  
Reid: No, the other thing.  
Prentiss: The liquid latex? Because I thought we both agreed that was too much clean-up afterwards…  
Reid: No, the thing with the honey.  
Prentiss: Oooohhhhhh, THAT thing. Yeah, that was good ;)  
Prentiss: Jesus, we’ve been to Missoula a lot, haven’t we?  
Reid: So, I’m sitting here watching a movie with our son trying not to picture you the way I want to, but apparently my fortitude doesn’t prevent me from texting you about it.  
Prentiss: I miss you too, babe. There’s always that box in the hall closet if things get too intense. I won’t think any less of you ;)  
Reid: I can wait. Still home by Friday?  
Prentiss: That’s the way it’s looking  
Reid: Good. It’s important - I have plans.  
Prentiss: ???  
Reid: Have you forgotten?  
Prentiss: Forgotten what?  
Reid: It’s our anniversary.  
Prentiss: No it isn’t. That’s next month.  
Reid: Not our wedding anniversary. Our first date anniversary.  
Prentiss: Holy crap, you’re officially the most high maintenance man I’ve ever had inside me.  
Reid: >:(  
Prentiss: And romantic. Yeah, let’s go with high maintenance & romantic…  
Reid: Sue me for thinking that was a memorable moment for us.  
Prentiss: It was. I remember that I wanted to jump you after the main course.  
Reid: You did?  
Prentiss: Yeah. The inappropriate attraction thing was there from the get-go. J.J. says that’s why I sent you that mistaken text months before. Like Booty Call Tourette’s Syndrome or something.  
…  
Prentiss: Spencer?  
Reid: Sorry. Just reordering our entire relationship in my mind…  
Prentiss: So, Friday?  
Reid: We’re handing off the Mini Nerd to J.J. & Will, and then you & I are going to get dressed up and have an exorbitantly expensive meal together. No baby concerns, no shoptalk - just us.  
Prentiss: Sounds wonderful. But what if we a) hand off Simon, b) save $ and order in, and c) forego clothes entirely. And we can talk about whatever you’d like.  
Reid: You know very well that there will be absolutely no conversation if you show up for dinner naked.  
Prentiss: Are you rejecting my plan?  
Reid: I’d like it noted for the record that I attempted a chivalrous and sentimental strategy, but was overruled by your baser nature.  
Prentiss: The record will so reflect.  
Reid: I’m canceling our reservations. Naked Anniversary on Friday. Be there. I’m already considering jumping you before the entrée.  
Prentiss: Mmm, can’t wait :D 

\----

J.J.: Garcia just called. She broke up with Kevin.  
Prentiss: Holy shit. How did she sound?  
J.J.: Surprisingly calm. Ya know, she’s sad and everything, but she seems to believe it was inevitable.  
Prentiss: Poor P.  
J.J.: Poor Kevin. Little does he know that he was swept overboard by a tidal wave of Morgan…  
Prentiss: Jennifer, she just broke up with her boyfriend >:/  
J.J.: And you don’t think this has anything to do with Special Agent Honey Bear officially dumping his latest not-really girlfriend 6 weeks ago?  
Prentiss: I think that we made an agreement to stay out of this, so STAY. OUT. OF. IT.  
J.J: Who’s in anything? We’re just two girls talking here… I’m just waiting on a text from Garcia saying that she pantsed Morgan with her teeth, that’s all.  
Prentiss: Jesus, did you talk to Garcia like this when Reid & I were dating?  
J.J.: Oh, it was so much worse  
Prentiss: It’s funny… you seem so sweet and kind from a distance…  
J.J.: >;D

\----

Reid: Thanks for last night. I really needed you.  
Prentiss: :) Honestly, I think sex is the reason why programmers invented video chat in the 1st place. Though, does it count as sex if the participants are 1500 miles apart?  
Reid: If someone gets off, it’s sex in my book. And last night was our 400th time, even if it was ‘virtual’.  
Prentiss: YOU’RE COUNTING?  
Reid: Please. It’s like you don’t know me at all… that’s how I’m wired. I can’t help it.  
Prentiss: 400. Are you sure? That seems awfully high.  
Reid: I’m counting orgasms, not sessions. My number is accurate. I can show my work if I have to.  
Prentiss: LOL! That’s not necessary - I believe you.  
Reid: For example, there was that time that we kept going until you lost count of your climaxes… it took nearly 3 hrs, remember?  
Prentiss: Yes, that night is hard to forget ;)  
Reid: Well, that was 7 occurrences in a single session. See the distinction? When framed within those parameters, 400 isn’t such an unreasonable number.  
Prentiss: You know talking about our unlikely sex life with you in this way is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience…  
Reid: …what are you saying?  
Prentiss: 401  
…  
Reid: Em, tell me you’re coming home soon.  
Prentiss: Soon, babe. A day or two, tops.  
Reid: Good. Because the idea of you counting as well has made it difficult for me to focus at the moment…  
Prentiss: ;D  
Prentiss: Our sex life has always been remarkable, but I think that separation has made it more intense, if less frequent. Don’t you think?  
Reid: I’ll admit no such thing. Each of our orgasms is like a beautiful snowflake. I love them all equally - that’s why I’m counting them. Out of respect.  
Prentiss: Always the gentleman. I love that.

\----

Morgan: Hey, are you busy later? Wanna get a drink?  
Reid: Sure, so long as the location is kid friendly. I’m lecturing at Quantico until 3pm but I have Simon with me.  
Morgan: That must be interesting…  
Reid: He usually sleeps. But on the days that I bring him, I attract a crowd of female trainees.  
Morgan: I’ll bet ;)  
Reid: So, what’s this about? Anything serious?  
Morgan: Nothing urgent. I just need a 2nd opinion. Or maybe I need you to talk me out of something.  
Reid: ???  
Morgan: I asked Garcia out.  
Reid: Wow.  
Reid: WOW!  
Morgan: I know. I didn’t really think about it - I just did it, and now I’m worried about the consequences.  
Reid: WOW!  
Morgan: I think there might be something wrong with your phone, man. You keep sending the same message over and over…  
Reid: There is no way that I’m talking you out of this.  
Morgan: But if we screw this up, I’ll lose my best friend. You don’t recover from losing the attention of a Penelope Garcia… she’s one of a kind.  
Reid: And that - right there - is why I’m not talking you down from this ledge. You already know she’s incredible. Just don’t screw up.  
Morgan: ‘Just don’t screw up’? I was hoping for something more astute.  
Reid: A year ago you wouldn’t have expected any insight from me at all on this subject.  
Morgan: Yeah. Somewhere along the way, this deal got turned around on me. I’m still negotiating THAT weirdness…  
Reid: Hotch is gonna blow a synaptic cluster over this. The BAU has turned out to be better than a dating website…  
Morgan: Hold on there, Dr. Love! We ain’t there yet… it’s one date.  
Reid: Of course, you’re right. My enthusiasm took over for a moment.  
…  
Reid: May I ask - what changed your mind about this? I got the impression that you considered a relationship with Penelope impossible…  
…  
Morgan: Oh man, yer gonna make me go there, aren’t you?  
Reid: Go where?  
Morgan: I hate talking about this stuff with guys. But, it’s you… so maybe it’s okay…  
Reid: Gee. Thanks. >:/  
Morgan: Listen… I see you with Prentiss - how happy you guys are, how seamless your lives have become, how much joy you get from being with yer son - and it crept up on me. I want that. I want it bad.  
Reid: Well, okay but  
Morgan: There’s more. P’s always been there for me, ya know? My friend, my conscience, my conspirator… she pulls stuff outta me. Stuff no one else knows. And she’s brilliant and generous and flirty and she lights up every dim corner… if there was anyone who gave me a shot at having what you & Emily have, it’s Penelope.  
Reid: I’m sensing a ‘but’ coming…  
Morgan: But, what if I can’t give her what she needs, Reid? What if what I have isn’t enough? We could never go back to being friends after that. I’m takin’ this huge gamble on my potential to be a better man, and I’m not likin’ my odds…  
Reid: I’m not surprised that you were hesitant to talk about this with someone… I’ve never heard you doubt yourself like this before.  
Morgan: I’m human, Reid. Just as flawed as everyone else.  
Reid: Derek, I’m going to tell you what you’ve been telling me for nearly a decade: you are overthinking this. Trust Penelope like you always have - she knows what she wants and what she can handle. Just let the rest of it go. Vibe it ;)  
Morgan: Vibe it?  
Reid: Yep.  
Morgan: Yer a riot, Pretty Boy. Meet you at Clancy’s on 5th? 5pm?  
Reid: See you then.

 

Reid: Morgan has asked Garcia out. I would ask you to keep this to yourself, but I know you too well.  
Prentiss: WOW!  
Reid: That’s what I said. Simon and I are meeting him at Clancy’s later. More details forthwith.  
Prentiss: I’m not texting J.J. about this right now.  
Reid: That’s my girl ;)

\----

Reid: Can you shoot some of my students for me? The entire back row can go as well as the guy with the Buddy Holly glasses and the smug smile of unjustified personal satisfaction…  
Prentiss: LOL! From Minnesota? My aim’s good, but not that good. Tough day, sunshine?  
Reid: This whole day has been a roadblock of ignorance and failed academic achievement. What happened to ‘No Child Left Behind’? Well, a lot of them were and, sadly, some of them ended up in my class.  
Prentiss: Easy there, IQ 187. Some of us have to stumble while we learn.  
Reid: I stumbled! I stumble all the damned time - it’s taken me years to figure out sarcasm, interpersonal dynamics, popular culture, cell phones, manual transmissions, organized sports, firearms, WOMEN! … don’t even get me started on that subject…  
Prentiss: I think you sorted that one out.  
Reid: What I’m saying is that if I could scale some of those seemingly insurmountable peaks, why can’t college graduates parse the theories of Jung and Adler without color-by-numbers instructions?!?  
Prentiss: As amusing as this rant is, I think you just need to take a break.  
Reid: And another thing: why is a working Dad so fascinating to women?! I have a child. I work, just like my wife. That means my son comes to work with me. Why is that worthy of gaping stares of astonishment? Are male parenting skills so atrophied in our society as to make this situation THAT remarkable? Just leave me and my son alone - that’s not amusement on his face, he’s just gassy!  
Prentiss: Okay, hon? Deep breath. Right now.  
Reid: Sorry. That escalated quickly, didn’t it?  
Prentiss: Kinda. Where’s Simon?  
Reid: With me. We finally escaped the hordes and made it to my office. It was like that scene from The Last Crusade when all of Indy’s grad students descend on his office. Except we haven’t made a break for the window yet. Honestly, some days I miss staring down serial killers…  
Prentiss: Wow, you know you live in a rarified subset of humanity when you can make THAT statement.  
Prentiss: Spencer, tell me the truth - is staying home with Simon getting to you?  
Reid: No. No, I love being with him. It’s been a little rocky… but Hotch has been a well of useful info. I guess that I miss the team more than I thought I would. I miss working with you. Things are different now.  
Prentiss: Different good, or different bad?  
Reid: I don’t know. I’m not good with change.  
Prentiss: And yet you handle it pretty well…  
Reid: ?  
Prentiss: Look - yer an academic who became a field agent with the FBI, you’ve taken down countless killers and terrorists making the world safer than you found it, & you’ve become a great friend, husband and father. Did you see any of that coming when you were a kid? I’d say you’ve beaten Change’s ass and taken its lunch money.  
Reid: Only you could make a schoolyard bully analogy seem comforting.  
Prentiss: What can I say? My man can take all comers. I believe in you ;)  
Reid: I needed to hear that. Thank you.  
Prentiss: You just have to ask - I’m only a text away :) But I’m still out of long gun range, so sit on that simmering resentment for your students until I get back in the state, okay?  
Reid: Okay, but I think Simon and I are still gonna exit via the office window. Just in case.  
Prentiss: *hums Indiana Jones theme music*

\----

Garcia: This text is a courtesy since you guys will probably find out about it soon, if you haven’t already - I went on a date with Morgan. It went well. Another date is planned. I’m trying not to let my brain melt down from the ramifications of this. /newsflash  
J.J.: I want to hug you right now :)  
Prentiss: If I weren’t in a maximum-security penitentiary interview room at this moment, I’d be screaming for you, P. But they tend to frown on that sort of thing here.  
Garcia: Oh, sorry, Emily! I didn’t think you’d read this while in an interview…  
Prentiss: Don’t worry about it, hon, we’re on a break anyway. Deviants can wait - dish has a limited shelf life, after all ;)  
J.J.: My thoughts exactly. So… details, Princess P? Or are you gonna make me work for it?  
Prentiss: Jesus, don’t make her pull out her contacts list, Garcia. You won’t feel comfortable with how quickly she can ferret out your secrets.  
…  
Garcia: Okay, but none of this can get back to Derek, alright?  
Prentiss: Scout’s honor.  
J.J.: Mum’s the word.

 

Reid: Good work, Morgan. I could’ve told you that your doubts were baseless. In fact, I think I DID tell you that…  
Morgan: Huh?  
Reid: Your date with Garcia. I hear it was a success.  
Morgan: Wait… how… We only went out last night… you already KNOW?  
Reid: Again, I need an eyeroll emoticon. Yes, I know.  
Morgan: Garcia told you?!  
Reid: Of course not. She told J.J. and Emily. Not to mention that for years my hair and shy demeanor have confused them into treating me like I have a set of honorary ovaries…  
Reid: This can’t come as a shock to you. Those women text every aspect of their lives to one another. I once saw Emily send J.J. a message in her sleep.  
Morgan: I’m not comfortable discussing this right now.  
Reid: I understand. I just wanted to say that I’m happy for you - this is good news, Derek.  
Morgan: Thanks, Reid. When I’m ready, you’ll be the first guy I talk to.  
Reid: I know I will. After all, I’m the friend who doesn’t get the ‘no emo talk’ guy rating. Who else are you going to call?

\----

Prentiss: What the hell is wrong with you?!  
Reid: Wow… Hi, how are you?  
Prentiss: I snuck into the back of your paraphilias lecture. I wanted to surprise you. My mistake >:(  
Reid: Emily, what are you talking about?  
Prentiss: Give me a break, Reid! You were surrounded by cow-eyed trainees at the break, all cooing and fussing over you and Simon… and you were LOVING it!  
Reid: I can’t control the actions of others  
Prentiss: THAT’S the best excuse you can summon?! Not even a denial, or a ‘you’re seeing things that aren’t there’ statement?  
Reid: I should think both of those options are evident without the need for restatement >:(  
Prentiss: That’s it. Sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship so I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.  
Reid: Now listen here, Emily - you don’t see me getting bent out of shape when every red-blooded male under the age of 60 sees you and follows you around like they’re in a trance! And do you know why it doesn’t bother me? BECAUSE I TRUST MY WIFE.  
Reid: I trust you. I trust us.  
…  
Reid: The more I think about this, the angrier I’m becoming. When have I EVER given you reason to doubt me?! Why on earth would you think that I’d want a total stranger over you? You have a very convenient memory… were you somewhere else last Saturday night? I pulled a hamstring doing that!  
Prentiss: Well… what was I supposed to think with all of these 20-somethings fawning over you, and you were just smiling and encouraging it!  
Reid: I’m a teacher - I’m supposed to be approachable! And I brought a baby to work… babies attract a crowd wherever they go, especially an outrageous flirt like Simon.  
Prentiss: You’re blaming this on Simon?  
Reid: No, I’m blaming this on your irrational jealousy. Let me boil this down to a basic metaphor for you: WHY WOULD I GO OUT FOR A BURGER WHEN I HAVE STEAK AT HOME?  
…  
Prentiss: I’m not sure that being likened to meat is flattering  
Reid: Well, I’m QUITE SURE that being accused of unfounded infidelity isn’t flattering.  
…  
Prentiss: You’re right. I apologize. I don’t know what I was thinking.  
Reid: I don’t know what you were thinking either!  
Prentiss: Do you forgive me?  
…  
Prentiss: Spence?  
Reid: I can’t really answer that right now. I haven’t been this angry in a long time.  
Reid: This accusation makes me feel like you don’t know me, or trust me. I never thought that would be a problem for us.  
Prentiss: Spencer, I’m truly sorry. I get jealous - it’s a character flaw that I’ve worked hard to hide. It’s not an excuse; it’s just… a fact. And now I’m an older woman who’s married to an attractive, younger man… I guess I’ve always been worried that someone more appropriate would come along and tempt you away.  
…  
Reid: You’re fucking joking, right?  
Prentiss: Ummm, no.  
Prentiss: You just swore - you’re freaking me out now.  
Reid: You MUST be joking because, in 32 years, no one has gotten me the way you do. Just take a moment to think about that, Em. I can do the math for you but the short answer is that I’ve met a lot of people in that time period, and it all came down to you. There weren’t even ‘also-rans’ in that race.  
Reid: I don’t care about our age difference or the lines on your face or whether you think you can compete with 20 year olds. I don’t see that and I certainly didn’t marry that. I married who’s underneath it all: the girl who ‘got’ me. If you think I’d throw that away for a roll in the sack with someone who’s unconsciously attracted to my Darwinian suitability as a father figure… well, that’s a joke to me, and not a very funny one.  
…  
Prentiss: Jesus Christ, Spencer… the things you say sometimes… I feel like such an asshole now.  
Reid: And I haven’t even mentioned our sex life. I pulled MUSCLES for you… where do you imagine I’d find the time, energy, or inclination to roam?  
Prentiss: Okay, okay… I think you’ve thoroughly proved your point. I guess I’m just a jerk.  
…  
Reid: Emily… just tell me that you trust me. Tell me that you believe what I’m saying right now.  
Prentiss: I do. I always have.  
Prentiss: Forgive me for starting this mess. Please.  
…  
Reid: Okay. But next time just march into the middle of those 20-somethings and unleash your green-eyed monster on them. At least get some satisfaction from that anger. I’d be happy to stand back and let you work out your Freudian possession issues on a pack of terrified trainees. It might even be titillating.  
Prentiss: You are far too smart for me.  
Reid: No, I’m not.  
Prentiss: I’m really sorry.  
Reid: I know. We’ll get past this.  
…  
Prentiss: Guys don’t follow me around like they’re in a trance.  
Reid: They do. All the time. It’s terribly annoying.  
Prentiss: I’ve never noticed that…  
Reid: Which is why I don’t let it bother me.  
Prentiss: I’ll aspire to that ;)  
Reid: That would be appreciated because I have to put up with that behavior more often than you do. You’re shockingly beautiful, Em. I’m just a shaggy nerd with a cute kid.  
Prentiss: How did you manage to turn a fight into a big romantic overture?  
Reid: Dumb luck, probably.  
Prentiss: Hmmmm, that’s doubtful. Home for dinner tonight?  
Reid: Yes. Just need to do some grading and then Mini Nerd and me are out of here.  
Prentiss: Got a craving for anything in particular?  
Reid: Steak.  
…  
Prentiss: I’m sure that can be arranged ;)

\----


End file.
